It was the first day and he asked me to light his cig…
I did but wasn’t happy about the incidence, the entire day and later at night I simply thought about the incidence. There was burning anger not about the guy but about me. I felt ashamed of myself.
How on the earth could I take order from someone whom I had seen just minutes back, it was a typical Leo trait which was playing its part…
I have never been comfortable on taking orders and certainly not from some moron who by virtue of coming into this world couple of years before me - ordered me…. But then they were called senior. And then there were senior girls as well…
Hugging the tree, getting pack of cigs, measuring the length of cars with matchstick were some of it.
Days went and then the weeks. I always tried to escape and started going to college from gate II, again I had to pass girls hostel.
Going on bicycle and then seeing girls looking in appreciation was a big booster ;)
I wasn’t well so decided to go home early that day.
As I was nearing my bicycle I heard someone calling my name.... Hey Sanju come here!!
Gosh “another senior” She was getting bored and asked me to teach her racer cycle. I knew she was upto a game, but her cute looks made me gave into her demand.
I was happily showing her parts of my racer, break liver, gears and its functionality.
Her straight nose, brown eyes, long shoulder length hairs which were tied-up made her look so beautiful.
In minutes she was on cycle and I was helping her with the racer… She had milky complexion on top she was wearing white pullover which had States flag on front. On my racer she looked gorgeous.
She approached pothole, small rim of my cycle clubbed with lightweight body ditched her balance, she was on ground and had hurt her palm, and all my thoughts suddenly vanished. All I saw was my love, my racer laying on the ground and later realized that Sana was in pain, she had hurt her palm there was blood flowing. She got a medical kit from her hostel and within seconds I was holding her hand, doing her banded. It was the first time I took some girls number, I called her that night just to check upon her health.
Today she was waiting for me, she even checked with some of my friends, and then I got a call, knowing I wasn’t well and so bunked college she asked me to meet me once I was back… The first thing she did was shouted and asked me why I said yes to teach her racer when I was unwell? How on the earth could have I said no to this beauty… I told her truth and left…
I got my bike when I was in II year and best way to keep it safe was to keep it in college two wheeler parking which was adjacent to main door, I don’t know why I messaged Sana about my plan… She smartly came saw my new bike smiled and went to her class… God knows what she told her friend, I knew she was empty handed but while going into class she had bunch of blank papers!
That evening knowing she would deny, I asked Sana for a ride. It was a pleasant shock when she said yes and we decided to meet near her hostel… I was standing there waiting for her and suddenly I realized the racing day, it all started on that day, it was because of my racer cycle she spoke to me, the racer and its weight got her onto floor, racer cycle gave me her number, then those messages, good luck wishes before exam, sending some forwards, wishing her on Ramzan, on EID it all started because of racer cycle… I never thought of any festivals but Sana made me took interest in Muslim festives…. Many nights I use to sit on search engine in need to understand their culture, there source. I was generally waiting thinking and she came out wearing white salvar kameez with both end of dupata pointing towards ground from front side, there was a black thread which was nearly tight to her neck and then tinny gold nose ring... GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was so pretty, so ravishing yet ultra innocent in looks… She looked Goddess… We were off within seconds!
I really loved non vegetarian food and took every opportunity to eat whenever I got chance, but on that day because of Sana I had to eat vegetarian. How crazy? she preferred veg over non – veg. It was my first dine with a girl and that too with a girl whom I had taken efforts to see many times in college, at canteen from the lecture hall window, I told her all what I was going thru, she just smiled said ok…
On many occasions we went out for ride, saw movies, dined together, she was senior to me which was an advantage, as I got all imp notes… still I scored more than what Sana had scored in II year mid sem… One day I was out with my cousins they ordered chicken and I refrained from having it. It was then I realized the impact of a girl, I think I….
Next day’s lecture was at 9:00 AM and I was to college at 7:30 AM, I met Sana and we were at canteen, I not only bunked the first lecture but the entire day I was sitting on one table thinking about the feeling which I had for her… I was getting closer and closer to her. Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind Was she was going to be the girl in my life? Dose she really feel the same as I feel for her.
Days passed by and then weeks and then the months. I getting was close to my II year and was and expecting a good marks as well!
Suddenly one fine day, Sana called. “Sanju, I know I am losing myself to you. I think; infact I know you have the same feelings for me. I know you as a good friend. A very good friend, your my best friend, after my dad and mom you’re the one who’s most important in my life. I guess I can’t live without you. I.....” there was a silence for a minute.
All the while she was speaking, I hold onto my breath to hear those three words. ‘Come on say it sweetheart; say it Sana” I told my self.
“I don’t know where this is gonna end. My parents are way too orthodox to agree for anything like our marriage. Why don’t we end this here?” she continued.
“But I love you....” she said and there was a pause for a while. I was in tears, I closed my eyes just to realise tears ran down my cheeks. What if she’d only said “I Love you”
What’s the point in saying I love you which was not going to sustain. Whats the point in being in a relationship which was not going to last?
I decided to cut loose, and deleted her number, her email ID but how on the earth was I going to erase her name, her number from my brain? Still I was ok. It took mammoth efforts to concentrate on studies, somehow, I got back on track!
Whenever our paths crossed, I gave her blank look, and I tried to avoid her. I decided to stop bike and again started my racer, only this time I came from main gate and went by main gate. One day, it was late evening when I was returning to my racer I saw a Sana she stopped me and asked me to get my bike immediately and pick her up from hostel. We went to a lonely place where there was no one to listen…. I got my bike onto stand rested upon it and looked at her… She held me by my t-shirt and shouted out loud, “why are you avoiding me? Why are you looking at me as if you don’t know me at all? Please, I do love you, but I am afraid of my parents. I just can’t live without you” and she started crying, I took her hand in my hand and was about to speak as she hugged me tightly and called my name...
A woman is difficult to be understood. But today I saw her true feelings towards me. I knew she loved me the way I loved her.
“Don’t worry, I will take care of it. I will see that we are together,” It was first time took her face in my hand, brushed my nose against her nose and kissed her on her forehead.
I was as afraid as she was. I never knew when we would be separated. I never knew when this relationship would come to an end. The only thing that I could do was study and remaining time pray.
They say that a guy who often prays when in a relation is damn serious about the relation. I prayed, each and every minute. I prayed to god that she and I should get married. Little did I knew that I was asking for something which would never be granted.
I was way busy with my final year submission for a few weeks, Sana was already working. I couldn’t contact Sana during submission period, one morning she called me and said, “I am sorry Sanju. I told our story to my parents. My mom wasn’t happy about it. I love my mom so much I don’t want to lose her. I love you too. But I am worried that my mom may suffer a major setback I can’t see her in pains and don’t want to build my house of happiness on there sorrows. Please do forget me. I am sorry” she said and hunged upon me
I never anticipated such an answer. It was shocking for me. All these days, I have imagined her to be my wife. I had been to places and prayed to come with her one day. I ....
And now she called me saying that she’s giving up to her parent’s pressures?
What kind of answer was this? I am not the kind of guy who would just let go things, forget and move on with life ….
She always said, “I love my parents and you” and I always said “I love you more than my anyone else”
This was it. I started to drink and smoke.. A few weeks later, I came to know that she married another guy, the feeling of loosing someone so badly was far too much to handle....
I closed the diary. I understood the pain which my brother must have gone through… I only loved my parents and my husband and my brother but after reading his diary I was in his shoes for a while.
“Sanju....” I closed my eyes….
And saw the past unfold…. The day when dad told me about new member of our family, the day when I saw my brother first time, the day when he cried seeing me sitting on mom’s lap, the day when he was scarred and hold me tightly during his first day at school, the day when I consoled him, when he lost interclass football match, when he took 5rupee coin from my bag just to treat ice cream to his best school friend… I remembered the spark in his eye when I introduced him first time to my college girl friends, day when he got an engineering seat in a reputed college, his tears when I was about to get married, and finally.....
And finally when I saw doctors in intensive care unit struggling to save....
